I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
