How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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