How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
