I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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