He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize