Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
