we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
