I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
