I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
