Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
