You just made me feel so damn special
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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