If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
