I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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