they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize