My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ketchup is God's man juice
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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