If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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