wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We need to rekindle our bromance
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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