Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
