I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
