mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Damn victory sex feels great
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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