i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
