Who wears a wallet chain?!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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