I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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