There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Hippo gnu deer
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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