I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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