Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
