I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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