I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
