You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
