You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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