The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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