I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
