Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
