That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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