Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
