my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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