I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
