I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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