their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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