Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
