I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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