I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
