if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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