Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
