you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
