Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
