I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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