I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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