You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
