I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
