He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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