btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
