you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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