The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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