The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
