Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
