piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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