he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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