my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
