He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
